Why weight?

Why weight?

To me, this means three things-

  • Why did I lose the weight?
  • Why did I gain the weight?
  • Why did I take so long to lose the weight?

I’ll be talking about the first point not only because it’s relevant to today’s date (Australia Day) but also because the other points will be far too depressing for everyone in general. And when your life sounds like a reality TV contestant’s sob story in order to get through to the next round- you gotta dole out that sob story in little bite sized pieces.

It’s just more tolerable that way.

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I don’t have a story of a massive crystallizing moment that made me realise that I needed to lose weight.

It’s not like I got on a plane and I couldn’t close the seatbelt.

I didn’t have a moment where I couldn’t play with my child because I’m too fat. Mainly because I don’t have any children.*

I am lucky in that I didn’t cause any health problems to my body through obesity.

I had nothing that made me jump out of my seat…or waddle or roll over** and think that I needed to change.

There was not one moment.

What I had was a series of moments. They passed by me and I didn’t take notice. Until the last one. The straw that broke the camel’s back.

************************************************************************

It was Australia Day 2013 and I was 21 years old.

I had no friends. I had no real job. I had nothing going for me. I felt worthless.

I was sat at home and I was scrolling through Facebook when I saw everyone’s amazing photos. Photos of people with great friends who were having the time of their life. Photos of girls in skimpy bikinis enjoying the sunshine on the public holiday. Photos of people who had everything going for them.

Basically photos and statuses of people who were everything that I’m not.

Social media is a funny thing. Without it, I wouldn’t have met some fantastic people. But when you’re in a dark place…well, to put it simply, it can just make you feel worse.

I’ve always had an odd fascination with drowning. I think it’s because people say it’s a peaceful way to die when it’s really not. It’s the combination of your burning lungs while being surrounded by water. That fire and water.

I think it’s because I nearly drowned when I was young. I remember swimming in my grandpa’s pool with my floaties. When I heard a POP and a SSSSsssttt and my left floatie went down. My dad was meant to be watching me but he had left to get another beer. Being a weak swimmer, I remember I tried to get myself to the stairs when my right floatie blew out.

I dropped to the bottom.

I felt that burning to save myself. No one was coming to help me. Nobody could hear me.

But the water pulled me under.

The next thing that I remember, I was lying on the pool stairs with the right side of my face facing towards the sun. I saved myself.

I felt that same drowning and burning sensation when I was 21.

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I needed to save myself again.

I didn’t want to be the girl who sat at home on a day that people typically associate with beers and bikinis*** because she’s too self conscious to wear a bikini. Now I would tell any woman to wear any clothes that she likes but it’s hard. It’s rough. You really do need to love yourself first.

I didn’t want to think of being in the same position for Australia Day 2014, Australia Day 2015, Australia Day 2016, etc.

I didn’t think it’d be possible that there would be time where I’d weigh less or have friends or have a boyfriend. But I wanted to try. I needed to change. I couldn’t stay where I was. If I did, I would drown. I would die.

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Why did I lose the weight? What made me change?

I don’t have a fantastic story that started this journey.

I was just a sad, lonely girl scrolling through her newsfeed. I think that’s something that a lot of people can relate to.

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The fantastic thing about life is its changes and movements.

We are never in a fixed position, letting life happen to us.

We don’t need to wait to start our lives.

I thank the girl from Australia Day 2013. The girl of Australia Day 2017 wants to tell her that she has so much to look forward to.

I’m not drowning anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Here’s to my girls with the “mummy bodies” without being mums. When I looked for quotes for my tummy tuck I had people asking if I wanted the “yummy mummy” package. Ooof.

**I didn’t do a lot of jumping in those days. Fat white girls don’t jump.

***And genocide

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