Secrets of a former fat girl

People always ask me how I did it.

The answer is, I don’t know.

One day it all just seemed to click into place. But today I want to talk about former fat girl confessions. If I’m gonna tell it, then I’m gonna tell it all. That weird thinking that seems to follow me throughout my weight loss journey even though nothing in life is the same as what first caused that messed up thinking.

********************************************************************************

When you first walk into a straight size shop and are able to fit into something there, it’s a magical moment. You feel like grabbing the shop assistant by the hands and forcing them to do a squealing joyous circle jump with you. It feels like this excitement will never wear off. You can’t take this for granted. Until, one day, you do. Humans are assholes. We get used to things, we adapt. The giddiness that I first felt when I walked into a shop and realised that even if I was at the larger end of their sizes, there would be at least one thing that would fit me is long gone. I’m an addict looking for my next high. Maybe it’s because I’m always striving to be fitter and stronger so I’ll pick up a size 10 (AUS size) and not be shocked that I once was a size 26. Instead I’ll think “would be nice to be a size 8”. Although that could possibly be some disordered thinking and never feeling satisfied with my weight, not just a former fat girl thing.

18619944_10155302204258767_2734756681908207471_n
You know you’re a big girl when you have to get an XL from the big girl shop. Ouch, that hurt.

On the flip side, there is no more terror in my heart when a skinny friend suggests shopping. I don’t think anyone who is naturally slim and has never had a problem with their weight will understand how twisted up your stomach feels just thinking about that activity. When you’re the fat girl waiting outside the change rooms while your friend tries on a mountain of clothes and proclaims how terrible she looks in all of them. And you say reassuring things like “Oh, girl, NO! You look great! Flawless!” while you’re secretly hoping for a lightning bolt to strike you down and put you out of your misery. Just end it all. At least that way you wouldn’t have to sit through another fashion show, make a pitiful attempt to try on one loose fit shirt that clings to you or worry about whether your bloated corpse will fit in a casket.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, just sweep up my lightning bolted ass with a broom and sprinkle me on top of a dessert. It’s how I wanted to go. It’s how I want to be remembered. As the patient fat friend who sat in the “husband” chair and was ignored by all shop assistants. Sure, you can’t fit into the clothes but you could buy a gift for someone! Maybe your fat money isn’t wanted there.

*************************************************************************************

You may face your old bullies who taunted you about your weight. In my case, they may be boys and they try to sleep with you now. No amount of former bully dick in a dick drought would be worth it. Keep moving, keep moving.

They may still hate you but they won’t know how to criticise you now. I remember receiving a message from an estranged family member last year saying “I don’t know why you call your Instagram happinessisthenewblack when you seem so angry” and I was like…you know what, I haven’t spoken to you in four years- you have no idea what I’m like. Cutting off toxic family members (everyone except my mum and brothers) has led me to a mental strength that I never had before. Which has led me to being the happiest that I’ve ever been. I’ll have co-workers compliment me on my smile and my positive attitude. My mum talks about how happy she is to finally see me happy. I think I’ll trust the word of people who see me regularly over people trying to gaslight me. And look, if you’re following a person’s every movement on social media when they told you they didn’t want to see you anymore five years ago…well, I’d say you’re the angry one there. I don’t do that with people I don’t like. Except maybe Katy Perry because I enjoy mocking her terrible (lack of) dance skills, especially as I am also a terrible dancer so if I think it’s bad then it’s BAD.

I’m really sorry you can’t tear me down about my weight anymore. That’s sad for you, huh?

************************************************************************************

Side eyeing everyone in the room and mentally measuring to make sure you’re not the fattest girl in the room because that leaves you vulnerable and open to snarky comments.

18582104_10155302204298767_2740695427449937989_n
Dat face when you realise you’re the biggest girl at the bar.

You’ll suck everything in so people might think you’re the second fattest girl in the room. And you’ll feel accomplished because you know you’ll get left alone. If someone makes a joke about fat bitches, it’ll sting a little bit less because you’re not the fattest one there!

Everything’s a-okay.

I don’t know if this kind of thinking happens with overweight guys. I feel like it doesn’t if only because a guy can be twice as big as a girl but he’ll still attack her weight, in my experience, anyway.

I also feel like at this point, I should have conducted a survey among big girls and former big girls before writing this.

What’s worse?

-Being the biggest girl in a gym class in high school.

-Being the biggest girl at a bar and you JUST know some guy is going to come along and stitch his mate up. “Oh man, my friend over there thinks you’re SOOOO hot!”
“Your friend thinks I’m hot? Well, I’m so devoid of any attention and no one has ever played this trick on me before…I’m in!”

************************************************************************************

I guess it’s a bit like being an amputee who has phantom limb pain. You’ve lived for so long thinking a certain way that your mind still thinks that way.

I can go out for dinner and not have to suck everything in because I’m just a normal weight, or just normal person fat.

I can order dessert without people giving me a look like “bitch, you don’t ever need dessert”.

I don’t need to think like a big girl anymore. And maybe one day I’ll reach that “normal” girl way of thinking. I’m working on it.

18620036_10155302227488767_1811786116580149798_n
Focus on looking after yourself. Focus on eating right and exercising. The weight will come off. That’s my secret tip from me to you.
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s