Now, it might just be me. You could say that overthinking situations is my favourite past-time. If overthinking things were an Olympic event, I wouldn’t even need to train. I’d breeze past all you bitches straight to the gold medal. At that point, you’d start looking at me and wonder how I managed such an impressive feat and you’d start to overthink it but at that point, it’d be too late and I’d be home in bed with my gold medal- thinking about that one time when I replied “Thanks! You too!” to the movie ticket person who said “Enjoy your movie!”
But there came a point after all the rebuffed conversations that I realised something. My boyfriend’s friend didn’t like me.
REALLY didn’t like me.
And as a fairly unlikeable* person, I have to put in extra effort so people don’t realise how terrible I actually am.
It’s like being a lizard person. Once I stop applying foundation to cover my scales**, then people will never not notice it. That’s all they’ll see when they look at me. If this friend was able to only see my scales then surely they’d whisper “Hey, check out her elbows when she’s in the sun. She always misses a spot there”. That information would get passed along.
I don’t want everyone to see my scales. At least, not right away.
So when people who love the same person that you love really make the effort NOT to get along with you, it fucking hurts. You just know they’re going to be talking about you behind your back, pointing out your scales and other unlikeable traits.
To be honest, any hope of a friendship between myself and this friend was crushed, smashed, pulverised very quickly.
It was only the fourth or fifth date with my boyfriend. We had organised a movie and dinner date for Friday night. Movie and dinner date, it’s a classic for a reason. You can’t scare off a new partner when a large portion of the night consists of looking quietly at a blank screen. They could be thinking about making out while you’re plotting world domination and no one would be none the wiser unless you’re a heathen who talks during movies in which case I hate you and this date isn’t going to work out.
As I was leaving work, I received a text from my boyfriend asking if it was alright if this other couple tagged along, making it a group or double date.
My feelings on that were…yeah, okay.
I kind of thought it was weird that someone would want to interrupt a date in such a new relationship. Like I’d want a friend’s relationship to be like 3 months old before I ask if I can come too. I don’t want to be sitting there, excited for my dinner while you’re just waiting for me to leave so you can bone. I mean, some people are like that no matter how old the relationship is but I don’t want to get in the way of that right at the start. I don’t want you two trying to fuck each other and then you’re fucking me because you’ll fuck me to get to them because I’m in the middle just trying to reach for a slice of garlic bread. Leave me alone, I’m innocent!
Obviously, some people feel a different way about that. I don’t want to say that some people’s thoughts and feelings are wrong but it’s just that I’m clearly right in this matter.***
“Oh great!”, my boyfriend replied, not realising that he was steering this conversation into troubled waters. “My friend said you would say no because you’re not a cool girl like his girlfriend”.
All of the record scratches right now.
This guy had never met me. Never had any sort of conversation with me ever EVER ever evEr e v e r. And he was saying that obviously I’d say no because I’m such an uncool girl.
That fucking hurt.
Hearing that I was super uptight and wouldn’t want to hang out with people that I didn’t know because I wasn’t a cool girl hurt because:
- It’s partially fucking accurate and that shits me off the most.
- I don’t want to hang out with people who shit talk me behind my back.
- Can I recite the cool girl scene from Gone Girl now? I bet that the cool girlfriends don’t love bleaching their anal hairs and swilling beer as much as they love the “Cool Girl” title. But you know, some of us are going to have to be the uncool girls.
Seeing as I am a glutton for punishment and my boyfriend couldn’t tell that I was pissed off at that point in time****, I asked for elaboration.
I really dislike hearing that people have been talking about me. Even if someone says that another person brought up my name in a positive way or to ask how I’m doing. I just hate the thought of other people talking about me and I’m not there to guide the discussion. I don’t like being left out of things. An example of this was when I left an interview and burst into tears thinking about how they were going to be talking about me. Dramatic as fuck? YES. An emotional outburst that could be put down to tiredness and PMS? AW HELL YEAH.
Needless to say, hearing how I’d been spoken about so negatively by a person who I hadn’t even had the chance to make a first impression on yet didn’t warm me up to this person.
If I didn’t want to go on the group date before, I definitely didn’t want to go now.
Of course, you can’t cancel these things. It’d make you look like EVEN MORE of an uncool girl. So, you slap a strained smile on and try to make some small talk.
THANKFULLY, my boyfriend ignored my tense body language, my mental telepathy that was shouting PLEASE GOD DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH HIM I NEED YOU AS A BUFFER and the fact that my soul had left my body and was chilling above me like “okay girl, you’re going to make an embarrassment of yourself so I’m up here getting a better view”. He left me alone with his friend so we could have time to get to know each other.
He brought up how my boyfriend was really into TV shows and movies. That he’d heard that I was too. “Nerdy shit”.
I tried to regale this friend of how I wooed my boyfriend by telling him that “everything was coming up Milhouse” in my life. That I was glad that all of the useless quotes and trivia that I knew finally impressed someone.
Everyone’s seen The Simpsons, right? How could you not?
He stared blankly back at me.
“Never seen The Simpsons?”
“R-really?” I faltered. “Not even one episode?”
“I don’t watch TV. I don’t waste my time on that shit.”
“You don’t watch any TV at all?” At this, I start playing with my necklace to distract myself from this awkward situation. My useless quotes and trivia knowledge would clearly still be useless in this situation.
“No. No movies either.”
At this point I think he’s joking. Trying to trick me. I mean…we’re all going to the movies now. If someone is THAT productive that they can’t ever watch ANY TV***** then why are they tagging along to watch Zoolander 2?
His stare never broke as if challenging me to call bullshit and say he’s a liar.
“You’ve ever seen Star Wars? Harry Potter? ET?”
“Fuck that nerdy shit.”
I mean…these are huge, epic movies that bring in bucket loads (but only 2 buckets) of cash. I’m pretty sure that the audiences for these movies are bigger than just nerds.
I tried to change the conversation up here. People love to be complimented and/or talk about themselves, right?
“I hear that you’re a good football player. You must train a lot for that. Do you go to a gym?”
“Gyms are stupid. Waste of money. The world is my gym.”
Oh. I love the gym. As a former fat girl, I hate the condescending disdain some people have for the gym. Yes, I pay money to regularly use a facility to keep me healthy. We can’t all be as good as you, knowing how to already exercise without the aid of machines.
Every single time I tried to ask about his interests or attempt to breathe life into the conversation, I was shut down.
I relegated myself to sipping on my drink and trying to stop my body from involuntarily running away.
After that night, I decided to send him a friend request. I figured that was a good way to get to know each other and I’m a lot more likeable when you don’t have to look at my face.
That was a completely, normal, friendly move and there was no way I could over think that. Until he didn’t respond to my request. He didn’t even bother to delete my request- that’s how much of a loser that I am. That’s how much of a response that he decided that I deserved.
He did have time to tag my boyfriend in posts about guys with controlling girlfriends, guys with bitchy girlfriends, guys whose balls are in their girlfriend’s purse, guys who hate their girlfriends but are too scared to break up with them, guys with ugly girlfriends. On and on and on and on.
If you’re keeping score then you’ll remember that I have met him once and at that stage, I had been on less than 10 dates with my boyfriend.
I wondered what I had said or done to this guy to be treated that way. It didn’t seem like a joke. It seemed personal. I had not murdered any Jews.*******
All I was doing was fucking his friend.
Have you ever had that moment when you just want others to acknowledge that this person does not like you. At all. You want to feel like you’re not taking crazy pills because this person isn’t just coming right out and saying that they dislike you. Because if they did, it would be their problem, not yours. So you try to discuss this situation and people will say “oh no! What are you talking about? Of course they like you!”
And you’re wondering if you’re both talking about the same person. I’m talking about the person who sprinkles holy water on me and whispers about getting rid of the devil every time they see me. That person likes me? Really? Are you sure you’re not just saying that in order to protect my feelings but in a way that makes me doubt what actually happens in real life?
As of now, I’ve managed to convince others to admit that this friend does not appreciate my presence or wit or intellect. Honestly, that alone feels like a victory. Someone who can’t be bothered to make small talk with me or even say hello at social gatherings is not my friend. And you don’t have to feel pressured to hang around people like that. I encouraged my boyfriend to hang out with this friend without me but this friend said he only does group dates. So, I tried. Maybe I didn’t try my best but I tried. I treated another human being like a person and that’s more than a lot of people can say.
Don’t worry if some guy thinks you’ve stolen his friend away when you’ve done nothing but attempt to be friendly and encourage male bonding time far away from yourself. Don’t worry about a grown man engaging in bitchy teenage girl behaviour. Don’t worry if someone doesn’t like you ESPECIALLY IF THAT PERSON WAS INTENT ON DISLIKING YOU FROM THE GET GO!
Being the person that I am, I do worry that people don’t like me. I never met any other boyfriend’s friends and the first time that I do- they dislike me. It means that every time I meet an important person in my boyfriend’s life, I start a mental countdown of when they will start to hate me.
I just want to end this on the note that several months after the first group date happened, I saw this friend’s car. It fucking had Star Wars seat covers. STAR WARS SEAT COVERS!
*Or, at least, somewhat uncharismatic. If I ever stole anything, I don’t think I could talk my way out of it.
**Do lizards have scales or is that just snakes? Help me, Google.
***You’ve really got to read that in a voice that is dripping with sarcasm.
****Because we’d literally JUST started dating which is why the group dates should wait until you can tell what your new partner’s stank face looks like.
*****Breaking Bad is the goddamn golden era of television and you’re missing out on some great stuff if you don’t ever watch TV, ever. Don’t pretend you’re better than me for that.
*******Godwin’s law. I just lost.